Reflections on the Year with Dr. Dan & Becky Allender

As we near the close of the year, Dan and Becky Allender are continuing a podcast tradition: sitting down to reflect on their experiences and inviting you, our listeners, to join them in this meaningful practice.

Dan and Becky share their own reflections—what they’ve learned, what they’re grieving, and what they’re celebrating—as they prepare to transition into a new season.

They’ve also shared a few practical ways you can reflect on your year:

• Scroll through your photo gallery. Notice the moments that brought you joy, growth, or even challenge.
• Review your calendar. Whether you logged your events in a digital calendar or on paper, look back on events and milestones from each month. Do you notice any themes?
• Choose five words. If you could describe your year in just five words, what would they be?

We hope you’ll take a moment as we close out the year to pause, reflect, and dream for what’s to come.

Episode Transcript:

Dan: Well, we’re not quite ready to wish you a happy New Year, but it is just on the border of a happy New Year. And what I’m hoping and we’re hoping to do is to reflect with you about the nature of your year, even though we don’t have the privilege of being able to sit at a table and have that conversation. But I’m joined by my remarkable and beloved wife, Becky. Becky, welcome to the podcast.

Becky: It’s so great to be with you.

Dan: Well, this has been a little bit of our, shall we say, our history of ending the year for ourselves and for others to reflect on how we hold a year and then how we move from that into the new year. So one of the things I would want to underline is that we get this privilege and it is an incredible privilege to do this, but we’re not doing it primarily for the sake of asking you to think about our year. We just want our effort to actually open the door for you to be thinking about how to transit from this year in a way that allows some sense of reflection, of gratitude, perhaps of grief, and being able to not just end the year and start a new one, but be able to hold the year well and be able to put it down and then move into the new year.

Becky: It’s really been a very good practice for us to do this each year. I’m thankful for it. I don’t think we’d be doing it if we didn’t have this podcast. So yeah, I just want to wish that for everyone to try and do that as a practice because in the naming and in the reflecting, we do have so much gratitude and so much direction for what’s ahead.

Dan: Yeah. So tell us what was the process like for you? Because we each had a similar, but I would imagine in some ways a different process.

Becky: Well, we each decided to look through our photos of the year, which was really, really helpful to remember all the good things, and then some of the times filled with sorrow and disappointment as well. So that was the very beginning. And then we wrote down what we saw into our own time and reflected. And then it was your idea. It’s great. Choose five words that reflect this past year, not that we have to say them now.

Dan: I think the prompting of looking through your photos, and I cannot speak for others, but we’re not well about deleting photos, which is a good gift at the end of the year, but it’s somewhat tedious in that there were a lot of photos that were duplicates that I wish that I didn’t have 10 of the same, but making the choice for me of going, I’m not going to start deleting. I’m actually going to look at a calendar along with the photo. That was really helpful because I’ve got a calendar on my computer, I have a written calendar that I carry around. And so having all that data was really crucial to begin to go, well, what was unique about January? What was, again, month by month reflection on that? So whatever you do, it’s going to take time. And I think that was the other agreement we made that we weren’t going to do this and then get it done, that we would allow two or three times of sitting together looking, sitting together, writing, sitting together and talking. So having more than three opportunities to do this really, I found helpful. Did you?

Becky: Oh, yes. It really was. And I think I was surprised to see some of the same themes, some of the same verses that I have chosen in previous years still remain very much in my heart and in the season of 2024 ending.

Dan: So again, our recommendation is get your photos, get your calendar, and let that be a time that you’re with your partner or your spouse with a good friend. I think there’s something about doing this with someone else where you’ve got the opportunity, even in that early reflection period to be able to go, wow, March was complex. And as you begin to just put words to it, it gives you the framework, at least for us at a second time, to be able to begin to look at themes. And I think every year or every month likely has certain themes that show up. And for you, what themes seem to be pretty central?

Becky: Well, I think gratitude is usually with every year. This year I added wonder to it. Just the wonder of nature was causing me to slow down more. And I think in this year there was loss, loss of two husbands of friends I’ve known for 25 years and of my very first friend in life. So in that slowing down and having the time to ponder the loss, the grief to actually be more present for the wonder of what is around me, what remains to be wonder.

Dan: Well, and I did note that a lot of your photos had to do with certain seasons that captured you.

Becky: Yeah, I feel like this whole last spring I kept saying to you or myself or to others, I’ve never known a more beautiful spring. I never remember this being so pretty. And then the fall as well, I had never have seen a more beautiful fall. And some of that is I get to do zoom yoga quite a few mornings a week in my own living room. And I look to the east and the south and the north and the beauty around our home I see is always changing. And so I’ve been looking at birds more than ever. We’ve had birds more than ever in my mind with the berries, the Pacific Madone trees. We’ve lived here 26 years. I’ve never noticed more birds in my life.

Dan: So just for my sake, I’m not personally convinced it was that much more stunningly beautiful fall or spring. Maybe it was. But what do you think prompted you to be able to see it able with greater clarity?

Becky: Yeah. Well, I think my yoga teacher also often says nature is always moving. And it is. And then also this Chesterton a quote where he says, “I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought, and that happiness is doubled by wonder” and doubling my wonder with stopping and noticing gives me hope in the beauty and also hope in that all will be well.

Dan: And to go back to, for me as I put themes, I had so many moments of disappointment that was also tied to death and to disease and to accidents. There seemed to be, at least in our life, so much more loss this year. You mentioned two husbands, two men that we have known for decades, dear friends, and then the loss of Julie, really your very first friendship on this earth, our time in August sitting with her and her husband in her hospital room. It was holy and horrible. And the combination of those two words, I kept scribbling when we began to reflect on the themes, how many horrible moments there have been, yet they’ve been marked by something holy that I don’t know how to actually find language for other than I can’t deny that those moments together in Columbus in our hospital room weeping together, struggling together, getting lost on Ohio State’s campus together they were some of the highlights and lowlights some of the best and the worst of what the year held. So I know there has been a quickening in your own heart that I think has at least been part of why you have seen the beauty around you with greater clarity and greater intensity.

Becky: Yeah, I think that the word brevity also is very much one of my themes, and I love in 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 it says, may “God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it.” It takes the pressure off. We are blameless as he sees us and given the brevity of this life, that is such a solace.

Dan: Yeah. So brevity has been, I think for both of us looking at the departure of friends we are as a good friend said, we are in the dying era. And the reality that more and more of the people that matter to us are departing this earth is not particularly unusual for people in their seventies. But I think for us, metabolizing this intersection between horror, holiness, beauty. I remember as I began writing some of the themes, it was the honor and privilege of being with people in the midst of extremity. And it has been exhausting at times. But on the other hand, I would not trade. I go back to that time with Julie. I would not trade those days for love, money, and yet the cost, the exhaustion, the fact that there would be times after departing her room where we couldn’t speak, you couldn’t speak for hours because so much was held in a kind of incubation that needed to occur before language could actually occur. So as you think about brevity, gratitude, beauty, anything else thematically that stays with you from what this year has hold?

Becky: Well, I think friendship and honor, and I love that as we are getting older, that you were given this distinguished alumni citation award from Ohio Wesleyan University because of your exemplary contribution to improving the human condition. And I’ve had witness for you, Dan, all these years and your degrees and how God has changed you and allowed you to do that very thing to improve the human condition through the care of not only your studies, but the heart, the sorrow, the seeing, the sexual abuse for taking that shame away and giving people hope.

Dan: I have to admit I was somewhat embarrassed, but it’s a sweet gift to even be honored by you in that. Yeah, the honor of receiving an award as an alumni from my college, again, there is a little bit of irony in that I was at least in the context of that era, not one of the finer students yet. On the other hand, again, the ability to look at a year. And I think we’re doing that, but also looking a bit further back. And I think that’s another element of what this has been for us is that season of reflection just opens your heart to so many of the felt but maybe not held emotions. And so as we talked about that award and then you bring it up, I felt that sense of awkwardness of receiving the award, yet the glory and the goodness of being honored. So many different experiences that are easy to walk by way too quickly, but when you give yourself, and I’m proud of us that we’ve taken three major chunks of time to come to be able to talk about the year. But anything else that captures for you what you’ve reflected on as you’ve thought about the year?

Becky: Well, I think it’s a transitional year in a sense that a lot of times we, it’s not just you. We’ve had the opportunity of traveling and fundraising for this school and the Allender Center, and it was we, me also and you, and that was very significant to me. So I think that’s kind of the honor that takes place often as couples are growing older.

Dan: Well, the ability to actually be able to reflect on, I looked at so many things on my calendar and I’ll just say some deep disappointment that took a long time to work through. Some losses of friendship that took time to work through. And I began to notice this theme. Physical injuries took a lot longer to work through that life at this juncture for both of us requires a level of maintenance that we’ve not had to put in. Even with the tensions between us, there’ve been some really sweet hard things that we’ve worked through together, but even that took longer, the process required more and something of healing literally just cuts on my face from shaving have taken longer. But I would say that’s expansive on lots of levels. So literally being able to go, wow, I’m not recuperating quite as quickly as I might’ve before. And I don’t think that’s a problem. I think actually that’s part of the gift of what this year has held that I have rushed too quickly through too much of my own life. And this process of aging, but also process of reflecting has been a real gift to be able to go, oh, that took longer.

Becky: Yes. And I think that’s really important to see the beauty in that. I mean, because you might skip that and just see how much more patience it takes, but to see the beauty in the slowing down is so important as a couple and as an individual to stop and see and ponder and look and not just rush.

Dan: Yeah. Well, as you have reflected on what the year has held, how does that move you into thinking about the year 2025?

Becky: Well, I think we started a couple new traditions this past year, better late than never. And one is celebrating our anniversary with time away. And we had talked about doing that even before we got married. We’re like, oh, we’re going to go away every quarter and we’re just going to be. And we never did that. We never did maybe once or twice, but we did go away and we had a wonderful time of thinking through what might be a good way to celebrate our 50th, which is coming up in the next few years, Lord willing. And it’s a new rhythm of, again, extravagance and slowing down and then being intentional. Sometimes we’ve rushed through life and we never seem to stop and take a breath.

Dan: Well, and I think that’s one of the things that the end of the year has done is stopped us to look at our calendars and say, oh my goodness, where did we create time for maintenance? Where do we create time for healing? Where did we create time? Instead of literally being in the flow of the current and then having that level of exhaustion that just dumps you off on the shore that you recover and move on to the next event or time. So I think having that very, very sweet reflection together. Now, again, one of the things we just covered this year is we’ve been telling people that we’ve been married 48 years for the last two and a half years.

Becky: I know. So this is coming up in January, right? The eighth. So we’re having a long three years of 48, but better figure it out sooner than later, which it was pointed out at a dinner gathering with friends from church that we were off a little bit.

Dan: Well, given that, what else for you as you think about the marking? You said there were a number of new things.

Becky: Yeah. Okay. Well, just when we bought this house, there’s this room off of our bedroom, and that’s kind of been where our kids did their homework and then became the grandchildren’s room. And we’re in a new era, we don’t need a bed or beds in there for little grandchildren that are frightened when they come to our house to spend the night without their parents, that transition is over. So it’s been like that for 16 years, and we gave that bed to our son for his son. And so it signifies a space of we are moving on. And the other was, I think our daughter asked you to take her son Cole, who is now 16 to learn how to fly fish in Montana, and then to drop him off at the Blackfeet reservation where he was doing community service. And so I think that’s really a good new tradition to hand over to Papa to take every 15 and a half year old grandson on a trip. And I don’t know, maybe I’ll take the granddaughters on a trip,

Dan: Taking the granddaughters fly fishing. You can do what you want with them. Okay,

Becky: I might want to come with you.

Dan: I think that was one of the holy experiences of having a grandson for about six days and so sweet to be on a river. And I love fly fishing, but I love more watching someone I love come to love that, which I love.

Becky: And that’s who you are a teacher. You love teaching and I love that about you.

Dan: Well, in our time, the only thing that again held some degree of great terror was we were camping out and we went to the small little city near where we were camping, and friends that I have met over 30 some years of fishing in this spot asked where we were staying. And I said, well, we’re staying out at Trailhead, but it’s weird. Nobody’s there.

Becky: And you’re in tents, right?

Dan: Yeah.

Becky: Yes.

Dan: Nobody’s there. It’s like a beautiful trailhead. Nobody there. And she looked at me and she goes, well, there’s a reason that we’ve had major sightings of grizzly bears, and people have known not a safe time to be out there. I’m like, oh, Jesus. The last thing I ever want to have deal with is a daughter saying, I’m so sorry, honey. But anyway, you get my point that there are just moments like that where you just stand back and you go, oh my gosh, the kind protection of our living God. And yet also for this year, we’ve had dear friends who have had motorcycle accidents, who have gone through emergency surgeries. Again, that whole sense of, yes, there’s protection, but often not in the ways that we would demand or expect that the living God would care about in the same way that we do. So I mean, having those conversations with Cole, being able to enjoy water, fish, beauty, goodness, and a small little bar called Trixies on route 200 outside of Missoula, oh my gosh, just even remembering brings back so much gratitude and sense of, again, your word, wonder.

Becky: Yeah. When we were able to take Andrew’s family to Yellowstone so their children could learn to fly fish, and while we were leaving, I had this thought, we might not ever come back here. We’ve been there four times I think, but that might be the last. So it’s a new way of visioning what’s ahead, what has been. And then another focus along that line is I heard the spirit say to slow down a bit. So I’ve pulled away from the beauty and the love of facilitating Narrative Focused Trauma Care, and returned a bit more to our local community in our church community. And realizing that I’ve kind of been on the road a lot with joy with you over the years, but it’s a returning to the gaze more in our neighborhood than we’ve had I’ve had for a while.

Dan: And as a result, you got me into doing a men’s retreat for our church and preaching for our church, and it was fabulous. So having the interplay of, oh my gosh, you have a period of time of doing certain things, and it is lovely, a wonderful gift. Going to the same place for your vacation year after year creates continuity, creates a kind of foundation of experience for you and your family. But those moments where you begin to go, it’s time to make a turn. And I think in some ways there’s been a lot of change this year and change that has at times not felt welcome. Yet. On the other hand, being able to hold the process well enough, knowing that I’m being triggered. There’s a lot of struggle going on, but staying in it. And I think that’s one of the things I’ve seen for you over this year, that you’ve stayed in hard moments with people, with some of the interactions that we’ve had. You’ve stayed in it in a way in which instead of trying to resolve it, you’ve let processes play out. And I think that’s one of the reasons why we both came to the conclusion that we need to take more risks. And I’ll say that at least the notion that as people age, they get more conservative, they take less risks, and you’ve been very clear that you’ve wanted to take more risks, including you have got us skiing

Becky: Skiing. I know when we moved here, we quit skiing and we quit tennis, we quit mountain biking, and now it’s a time of, well, let’s go back there and try what we loved. And so this will be our second, your third season to do some skiing. And it’s very, very different at this stage. But the beauty, the wonder, and even thankfully the snowboarder that knocked me down, I got that over with. And actually he said he was sorry. So it’s like, I’m going to live.

Dan: Well, and the process of just that, of going, there are a thousand ways that we all need to be thinking about what are the risks, because you really can’t have hope without being willing to risk. The very nature of hope is stepping into something that you dream, you desire that has at least a heightened possibility of not occurring in the way that you wish. And so the risk of the uncertain, a movement into the unknown always requires some degree of entry into danger. And again, one of the things we can both say is that we skied quite conservatively.

Becky: Friends in front of us and behind us guarding our path.

Dan: We were well treated with someone leading someone behind us, making sure that at least 

some snowboarders weren’t going to take either of us down. But that process of going well, we would’ve skied in our younger years from the beginning of the day to literally the last.

Becky: Because we wanted to get our money’s worth because it was expensive. And now, isn’t it amazing that we can go in and take a rest, go in and get some hot chocolate, and it’s okay if we’re not getting our money’s worth, it’s completely changed what our money’s worth is.

Dan: Well, and I think that’s where we come back to probably the major category for us as we walk almost every morning for 45 minutes and we have utilized Psalm 90, may you count your days so that you grow in wisdom.

Becky: And then also after that verse, it’s 90:14 satisfies in the morning with your unfailing love. And we do that, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days. And so, yeah, Psalm 90 in our morning walk, it’s our jam. We got to do it.

Dan: Yeah. Well, and I think that’s that framework of being able to go, we are toward the end of our lives. What is it that we want? The whole notion of bucket list has never been something that has felt compelling to me. But I would say the notion of the last whatever mile, the last quarter mile run, the reality is if we’re not designing, intending, purposing our last years to grow in wisdom, then all we’re actually attending to is how do we distract ourselves to keep from having to deal with mortality and the inevitability that one of us will pass before the other? And I think that choice of watching friends who, again, I don’t want to be in any way judgmental of, they go into retirement and they begin playing pickleball every day, six days a week, golf, pickleball, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And you go, that can still be a life of wisdom. But when you create all sorts of things that distract you from actually growing in that heart of wisdom, it’s shall we say, an ongoing temptation that will be very easy, I think, for us and others, to give into. But so if taking more risks, I think we’ve also created more time for maintenance. I’d love for you to put words to what you think of when I say that.

Becky: Well, you love to work out and you help me with weight training, all these things that sports allowed for you in school to know how to do. It’s good that I get out there in the garage with you and we do jumping jacks and we look silly, and the music’s playing and we’re out there, but it’s really important to be as strong physically as we can.

Dan: I hope this is true, that as I’m looking at our schedule for 2025, there’s more time before and after to recover from events. I think my story and my history of starting to work at age 9 and really, not choosing to stop very much except for a few sabbaticals, that ended up being remarkable nonetheless, planning for what it means to create margin.

Becky: Can I hold you to that? I’ve known you a long time Dr. Allender, and you like to work and I kind of match you with my own work, because that makes it better. If you’re working, I am too. So this will be a new season if that really takes place.

Dan: Well, I think it will require so much more intentionality, literally to go, if we’re traveling, then Mondays are off. But the past, it does set standards that become then so difficult to actually make a change. But what I think we’re both finding is we don’t have the ability to do what we used to do. And in some sense, one of the benefits of aging is that what you could do at some point, your body won’t hold in the same way. So your body at some level is wiser than your own mind or heart is. And in that, I think it becomes more of a necessity and therefore more of a possible choice. But I do think between the fact that looking over our year, there is more clarity about risk, more clarity, more maintenance, but I would also say we’re getting a little better hanging out.

Becky: We are. And then also, we’re just a bit more curious of one another than was our pattern for many of the three decades, four decades almost. Now, we really have a new curiosity about our youthfulness and our stories that you would think that we would’ve had that down pat. But it’s really showing up in wonderful ways.

Dan: Now, again, I’ll just say, I think part is the incredible benefit of focusing on something, and that’s been one of our privileges that I get to teach on something or write on something. And so this year has been a lot of labor working on The Deep-Rooted Marriage, which then has compelled us to have to talk about our marriage far more. And in talking about it, to be able to go, Ooh, I don’t want the last handful or more of years to reflect how I manage and handle moments with you, that in the past I would’ve dismissed as, oh, well, no big deal. But no, it’s a big deal to face fact that you’ve had to deal with so much more of my irritation and anger when there has been need. Even something as small as needing help today with your phone,

Becky: With my fitness app gone AWOL. Yeah. Well, thank you. I love that.

Dan: Yeah. But I mean, just the reality that you were able to bring that without, it didn’t appear any level of like, oh, am I interrupting? You just brought it. And I remember thinking at that moment, that felt good. You weren’t being cautious. And I also wanted to make clear, I want to be of help. Even though whenever we’re dealing with technology, I know that we’re running up against the reality of my own incompetence. Therefore I don’t want to have to mess with what you’re asking for. So even small, small, I’m sure to most people you’re still struggling with that after being married now for 48 years, for three more years. The fact is this process of maturing, I think that’s one of the great surprises. I would’ve thought after all these years in a marriage after all these years in a relationship with Jesus, that I might actually be a little bit more mature than I am. And yet I think having the goodness of your kindness, of your capacity to bring truth in a way that so often just unnerves me and surprises me as I reflect on this year, I hope we have many, many more years together. But this has been a good year for our marriage.

Becky: It has. Yes, it has.

Dan: Well, to you and to all who are hearing us, we do wish for you a really good next year, but we also wish that you will take hold of all that this year has brought you. All that has brought heartache, all that has brought new hope, all that you long for and desire. May there be again, a attunement, an openness to what it is that the living God is doing. And before we end, have you had a sense of what passage or passages or thoughts are true for you for this coming year?

Becky: Well, I seem to do this often. Let me get my Bible. I think I chose this a couple of times already, but it’s Philippians 4:4-7. I just love that so much. Actually someone said that that’s the most frequented favorite verse, but it’s rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, rejoice. Let your gentleness be evident to all the Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your request to God and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. And I think that ours is not to grasp what we want, but to have open hands, but not demands, but an open hand of offering and trusting God.

Dan: Well, again, we didn’t plan this. You didn’t tell me what passage, but mine was in Philippians 4 as well. But not those verses. Awesome. I started with verse one. Therefore my brothers and sisters, you whom I love and long for my joy and crown. That is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends. And what I was captured by was Paul’s speaking to people he loves, and though he doesn’t know me yet likely he’s speaking to me as well. And so to be able to say, I think he’s reflecting something of the heart of Jesus in those statements of brothers and sisters who I love and long for, and to be called someone’s joy and crown and to have these simple words then stand firm. I think that was what the Spirit wanted me to anticipate. And I don’t know why I’m not trying to work out the details, but for the year 2025, there’s something about being joy, a crown of being called a friend, beloved, long for that’s part of the energy to then stand firm. And I think that was one of the things that I’ll underscore this year from you. Maybe one of the most important categories for me of the whole year was when you said to me, you anticipate and think you’re going to die first. And I remember thinking, well, actuarial tables, yeah, I’m very likely going to go before you. And you said, what?

Becky: I said, will you pray that I get to go first?

Dan: And that simple request, that simple desire, will you see me home? And it was like, well then I need to take better care of my body. I need to eat better than I do. And something as simple as I have no guarantee other than I will pray and have since you invited me to imagine what it would be like to be the one to see you home. And so when I come to that category of joy, crown, I know that no one on this earth has ever brought me more that sense of what it is to be beloved. So to stand firm and to stand firm on your behalf and on behalf of the gift that we have as a couple to do the best we can to reveal something of the goodness of God and the land of the living, that’s the privilege that passage takes me to. And so to you, Happy New Year.

Becky: Happy New Year.

 

 

Photo credit: Blake Foster