What Men Wish Women Knew About Men’s Sexuality
In this episode of the podcast, Dan continues a conversation about men’s sexuality with Jay Stringer, Sam Lee, and Wendell Moss. They talk about what men wish women knew about men’s sexuality, including why men avoid talking about sex with their spouse, the need for couples to address when sex is no longer satisfying, and how each other’s stories impact their sexuality. Men long for union with their spouse that goes beyond the phrase “it’s just sex.”
The main premise of this episode and guiding question, asked by Dan, of the following conversation is: What do we want women to know about men’s sexuality that either doesn’t get said or is hidden underneath mythology that keeps us from being able to tell the truth about who we are?
Re-introducing a topic from last week’s conversation, Wendell talks about a sense of fear and shame that can keep men from knowing their spouse’s bodies. Dan calls upon women who are listening to not assume that their husbands know their bodies, but to instead ask “does he have the ability to know and to name that he needs to, in many ways, learn [my] body?”
Oftentimes due to fear and shame, men back away from sex but do not want to be held responsible. There is a need for language to let their spouses know what they feel and experience throughout the day that gets brought home with them. Telling the truth allows for freedom in the relationship, rather than one partner bearing the blame.
Jay connects this thought to the demands he hears many men experience in their day to day lives and the curse found in Genesis 3. When returning home after work, many men feel they should be available for sex, but in reality, they believe it is another place of performance and will let their spouse down. There is a great need also for attunement in relationships, not only in talking about sex but talking about daily experiences.
Jay: To say we are dissatisfied can feel like doom, but that sense of being able to say something isn’t right, I’m not enjoying this, what are we doing here isn’t working anymore, is the beginning of a new conversation.
“What we long for is union with our partner that allows us that sense of ‘I am loved and you are loved.’” Dan Allender
A question is asked of the group: How would you interact with a woman’s sense of comparison and search for understanding when thinking about whether or not her husband is present?
Sam responds by acknowledging that sex requires spouses to connect with each other’s stories, but when there is no connection and it is “just sex,” they cannot connect in deeper, more meaningful ways. Wendell notes that when he and his spouse are able to connect and talk about their days, that is where true intimacy begins—a place of mutually giving and receiving.
In closing, Dan asks each of his guests to underline what they most want to underscore about the title of this podcast.
Wendell: We have fears of wanting to know our own bodies, of having to do the work of wanting to know theirs, and we bring that to the table—but it’s often unspoken.
Jay: Expect that it is a long journey to clear out some of those voices and events that have marked us throughout our lives.
Sam: Sometimes you have to disrupt sex to talk and allow for more curiosity. Why is it monotonous? Can you be curious about it? What is it that you can reveal about what’s happening? Those themes create a lot deeper knowing, which allows for more intimacy.